Episode 58
It comes to me every single night, bright as a divine light
that shines from a crack in the firmament. However, it’s an infernal figure
that reminds me I have not been whole for years, and so I shall never be again.
If I am a mistake to mankind, I hope one makes a mistake and understands me.
The words my mind dictates as my lips open gates to pour out my heart content
are beyond comprehension. What could be stronger than an expression not yet
created? Or maybe the expression I want to make is this one left behind in a
yonder world where people had plenty of expressions. Is it purer to reveal
man’s madness in words, or to reveal it like a beast does?
Suddenly, sleep is where I am most alive. All my vitality
weighs as a shred of glass when I try to weigh it against the universe while on
the edge of a cliff. Once I dreamt I was understood, and it felt like seeing
the countenance divine. How could my senses be alive and my being is gone to
oblivion at the same time? How could oblivion be as vast as the seas hanging
above my head, where a whole being with its every expression can be lost? Is it
my arrogance or my helplessness that is desperate to demonstrate I am still
alive?
The feeling of living for something is just as good as the feeling of
dying for something. Why can’t the answer lie in absurdity? We exist because we
can’t choose otherwise. We die of our vulnerability, yet we keep denying it. We
fight for immortality knowing it’s never there. We claim supremacy while we are
the real and the newest parasites on the planet. Why am I wishing to be
understood when the world itself is absurd? Why am I asked to feel when the
whole universe is all about apathy? Everything and everyone is replaceable,
every creed, every belief, doctrine, idea, or even countenance divine. Why
should there be an answer for “being” if “being” itself is the answer? Why should
everything make sense and fit in the books of philosophy and epistemology? Why
am I condemned to reason? Could a scorpion help but being a scorpion? It's no merit, and no choice either.
